Like an old wound that has refused to heal, I can feel the pain searing up. No tears in my eyes at the moment, but there is this thick lump at the base of my throat, that I can’t decide whether to swallow or to spit out.
Maybe I have cried all the tears and there is no more tears to cry.
Whatever is it, I know I have brought this upon myself. Mama raised me better, I have kept reminding myself, because even with hard truth staring me in the face, I can’t seem to accept.
I imagine her turning over in disgust in her grave, this imagination is better. Because I can’t bear to have her actually watch me dip my precious hands into hot burning coals, while expecting not to be terribly burnt.
A whole me, how did I get to this point? When did I become so desperate to be loved, I accept just trash like love?
How did I get to the level of knowing someone is blatantly lying to me, but I sit there accepting their bullshit, hook line and sinker?
When, just when?
Maybe it’s my desire to always see the good in people that is rubbing me of all my common sense. After all, common sense is not that common, and sometimes when it comes to matters of the heart, it seems to be missing…
I had know for a long time now, started a month after the wedding… the late night calls from “work” , the silent phone at daytime, the shady movements…
But every time, I had made up my mind to walk away, somehow the sweet talker managed to convince me that it was all up in my head.
“You overthink things”,… He would say.
OK, now I can feel the tears welling up, this time in self pity. How could I have been so stupid?
But I know better than to engage in self pity for so long.
My moment of temporary madness is over.
Cry all the tears you want to cry now, roll on the floor if it will knock some sense into you, then dust yourself up, adjust your crown, and start behaving like the queen you are meant to be.
Dear queen, you deserve better.
Your throne awaits you, it’s been empty for so long.